"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Buddha
If you would of told me 5 years ago that some day I would be able to hold my head high and talk about my depression and suicidal attempts, I would of thought you were talking about someone else. But today, as a 20 year old that is independent, works hard, and keeps her eyes on the future, I can now say, my story is no longer mine; my story is for the voiceless.
The past few months I have heard of far too many people say goodbye far too soon. I have heard the word suicide and seen the pain/fear in people’s eyes. I am here to say, rescue is possible and everything is temporary.
TWLOHA is a beautiful organization that has changed lives. It is the organization that I suggest anyone and everyone look into and read about their story and their projects. They are the reason I am aware that there is a day dedicated to suicide prevention. “Rescue is possible” is a phrase that I got tattooed on my side a couple years ago during one of my dark spells. I found the quote one late, insomniac filled night when searching through their website trying to find someone else say the words I couldn’t. Now everyday, as I stand naked in front of my mirror, I remind myself that my depression does not define me, and every shadow will pass.
I can’t exactly tell you how to overcome the obstacles of life, my dear friends, but I can share my stories in the hopes that they bring you hope. I was young the first time I attempted suicide. Two friends, oddly enough, randomly showed up at my house moments before I went through with it and stopped me. The second time my mother came home early for some reason that day and I didn’t complete my attempt that day either. I then went down vicious paths that felt like a slow form of suicide to deal with the constant pain I felt in my heart. Still to this day, I fight these urges and habits I developed at 14. At the time, I was frustrated. I spent years waking up wishing I hadn’t. But what made me stay here then? I could tell you nothing, I could tell you everything, but it was this intense fire inside of me that told me I can’t give up. There is this insane amount of beauty in people and nature and I had to go out and see it; believe it or not, it isn’t that hard to find. Now it has been a little over a year since my last dark cloud has shown up and I feel like I am breathing new air. Every breathe that enters my lungs reminds me why I am still here.
I ask you my friends to never fear asking for help. Never fear asking your friends if they need help. Show so much love to the world that it makes people watch in wonder. Absorb yourself in love for yourself. The love from the rest of the world will quickly follow.
I leave you with the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me, “Go be awesome”. My brother would tell me this every time I would call him in panic about the waves of dark thoughts that would take over. I would laugh at his words. Like, thank you brother for your wise wise words of wisdom but I don’t know how this will help me. But slowly I started to notice every time I felt panicked or distraught about my path in life, I would whisper to myself, “Be awesome”.
I know maybe you expected more from me, but I promise you that there is more strength in you than you even know. I wish nothing but peace, love, and understanding in your life. You are never alone. You are not crazy. You are a human made up of the same particles that make our universe. Please stay here with us my friend. Never stop exploring the beauty around you. We need you here.