The Pull of the Moon
Tonight during the eclipse I obviously became very philosophical and my fingers were telling me to write. So here I am.
The moon has always been this powerful figure in my life. The first form of meditation I ever learned was to think of a place. Listen, feel, and smell your surroundings. Find peace in this place. The first image I always had the moment I closed my eyes was the moon. My brother was the first one to inform me that the moon symbolizes females/Goddesses in a lot of cultures and religions. From that moment on, it became a powerful symbol in my life.
When I was younger I developed the habit of running away; a habit I still have and work on everyday I mind you. I remember so many sleepless nights where I thought if I had to stay in my room for one more second I might explode. So at 2 in the morning, little me would climb on my roof, or quietly sneak outside and just sit and talk to the moon. I would imagine someone on the other side listening to me. Maybe it was a kid just like me that felt sad, unwanted, and just angry at the world. Maybe the moon was shining bright just for me that night because my dad yelled at me again. Whatever reason it was, I always felt comfort as the moon looked down upon my tear filled, child eyes.
Tonight with cigar in hand, another terrible habit I’ve formed to get through the anxiety filled, and sometimes drunken, nights, I remembered how much comfort the moon has always brought me. She checks me back to reality. I look around at the surrounding stars and imagine what a vast world we live in. I feel the atoms in me that are also up there pulling against my chest telling me that I am made out of something larger than myself.
I really enjoy moments like tonight where the nerd in me and the spiritual nature loving hippie in me combine. I remembered the moments I was begging the moon to help me out and instead tonight I said thank you for watching over me. We live in such a beautiful fucking universe and every day on this planet is a moment we can reconnect with the matter that we are created from.
Take a quick smoke break some night and just be a small human being in this complicated universe. Get lost in the infinite sky and think about what is truly important in this life. I promise the moon will listen.
So… This is how it works, right?
"Through meditation you learn that you don’t have to protect, you don’t have to defend, you don’t have to make your point, you don’t have to win, you don’t have to lose…you just interact, you communicate with situations as they arise."
Wow. I’m officially 20 years old. Goodbye teen years.
Birthdays are this strange thing for me. I never really feel like I should be the age I’m becoming, but I always feel this new shift of consciousness within me. I am someone who reflects, maybe more than is healthy, so I ask you to go on this journey of the past year with me.
Exactly a year ago I was possibly the unhealthiest mentally and physically I had been in years. It is almost scary to think about. Any day I felt like I was going to break. I had nothing left in me telling me to keep going. I had no light at the end of my tunnel. I felt alone. Scared. And I was my own worst enemy.
Through this year I have gone on the craziest journey into womanhood. I have proven to myself that I can take care of myself even during times when I really wasn’t capable. I have found ways to defeat the scary thoughts that can sometimes linger into my brain. I have found peace in the chaos. I have discovered love within myself and the world around me.
I have met some of the most amazing people in my life. People that weren’t in my life a year ago were in my life today and they radiate compassion and kindness and help bring out the better me. I have fallen in love with someone to see that they weren’t the person I thought they truly were. I have said goodbye to many of great people. Some for the better and some because we just couldn’t get the timing right. But each and every person that has entered or left my life in the past year have left a mark in my heart that has help shaped me into the person I am. I am so god damn grateful for that.
Every year I have to give credit to Seth and Amber for being the best damn people in my life. Without them… I don’t know where I would be or who I would be. They have helped shaped me into the woman I am and I would be so lost without them. Through the past year I have struggled emotionally and spiritually and there was never a moment, not a single fucking moment, that I felt like they weren’t there for me. I went to them so many times when I felt like I couldn’t do this whole adulthood thing and I felt like a failure. They always took me in with open arms and lifted me up. No words can give them enough thanks.
Each year we are supposed to get wiser. After a year of new experiences and new thoughts and ideas, we are supposed to have this new profound look at the world. I think about how I used to be so bitter, so filled with hate. Now, I feel empathy and compassion for everyone around me. I love seeing people in love. I love the simple things in life. Most importantly, for once in my life, I love who I am. Because those scary thoughts are sometimes still there. Those moments of darkness still come over me at the most inconvenient of times. But life isn’t easy or perfect. I make mistakes. I am no where near perfect. I don’t have it all figured out. But that’s the beauty of this crazy life we live. You have to enjoy the ride.
So here is to another year of mistakes, chaos, love, heartbreak, goodbyes and hellos. I am so thankful for everyone that has entered my life this past year. Cheers to another crazy ride.
I have to thank the WONDERFUL AMAZING BESTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD KENDRA. I love me some TOMs. But I also love me amazing friends that make memorable birthdays. :) <3